The Longing
by Fruition
Summary: It tears at me, this feeling. It's a desperate need, a yearning desire just to see him, to feel him existing. one-shot, stream-of-consciousness, Chihiro & Haku


Just a quickie I wrote after being inspired by Haku and Chihiro. One-shot, angsty and perhaps melodramatic or overemotional, sort of stream-of-consciousness. But I like it well enough, all the same. So... enjoy?

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Time. Such a funny thing. Years have passed me by and that memory has become just that: a small nightmare-turned-dream floating in my subconscious. Years... can it really have been ten years since that night?

Everything is foggy. I remember Lin and her kindness. I remember the pounding of my heart as I begged Yubaba for work. I remember, most of all, the first time I saw Haku smile. Thinking of it now, the laughter in his eyes when he'd glance at me, the moment he recalled his true self... it makes my heart ache. It makes me yearn and long for the innocence of holding his hand. We were so young but years have passed me by and his promise remains unfulfilled. I love him. I loved him then, but it was lost on me, such a naive child.

But I love him yet, perhaps even more than I could have at ten years old. My heart pounds and tears fill my eyes. I want to see him.

It's such a strong, painful emotion, longing. I can't remember everything that was said between us. I can't remember small things, like how long or short his hair was, or whether he was taller than me. Part of me still wonders what would have happened if I had looked back. As I ran away from him, I could feel his eyes still on me. What would have happened if I had disobeyed him and looked back?

Do I regret it now? Perhaps. I could have stayed with him. I wouldn't have to feel this terrible feeling, this desperation to see the someone just for me, even once more. But then I wouldn't have been able to see my parents again. I wouldn't have been able to forge the strong friendships I have, nor would I have really had any experience in this world. Do I regret it? I don't know.

I sit in this place, by the tunnel, just in front of the doorway. The wind is blowing and it raises gooseflesh on my arms. I stare in the doorframe, the small pinprick of light beckoning me, calling to me. I haven't come near this place since I left it, years ago... except recently. To do the exact same thing as I do now. Sit, staring, thinking of him.

Mine is a soul torn between two worlds. Part of me is afraid that if I go through this tunnel, I won't find him. The other... well, it's afraid that I will.

It's been a decade and I... I have changed so much. I have grown physically. I am mentally mature, my personality is different, more demure. I have finished school, I have had boyfriends. But none of them lasted. I was trying to find in them what I had felt with Haku. It wasn't possible. What had the years changed in Haku?

The breeze encases me and I close my eyes. I can see a more mature him, perhaps his hair has been cut. I can see the same smile, so warm and tender, reserved just for me. I can imagine him, perfectly, though I can't seem to shake the memories I have of a young him, as much as I rework his features into a more mature semblance. But what about his essence? What has changed in Haku? Have the years turned him more stern? Kind? Is he the same?

Is he even still alive?

The Horrible Thought tears at my heart, and a tear escapes, leaving a small trail of the loneliness I feel down my cheek. Briskly, I wipe it away, chiding myself for thinking such nonsense. Haku is strong and resilient. Ten years would not kill him.

I have dreamt of him and I wonder if they are all really simple dreams. In them, we sit on a hill so high that it feels that we could reach out and touch the clouds, the stars. He reaches for me and I feel him, so warm. He laces his fingers with mine and brings my hand to his lips where he lovingly grazes his lips. My heart pounds and just before I can tell him that I love him, I wake up.

If I go through this tunnel, I might never be able to return here again, to the world in which I was born. But if I stay here, I will never again reclaim my heart, which I left in the sound of his laughter. I don't know which is worse. I am being pulled in a thousand different directions, it feels.

I stand. I will find out, my mind is set and I take a step forward. I feel surprisingly calm as I walk through the tunnel, cool and musky. The pinprick of light steadily grows larger and I see the bigger room in front of me. I hesitate. Will this also be a decision I regret? What if there is nothing on the other side of the door?

But I continue. I want to know. I will have no regrets if I can see him again for even one moment. Through the windows, the sun is setting. The door is here, and I can still turn back. But I won't.

In the distance stands a figure. Tall, hair gleaming black in the setting sun. He raises an arm at me.

We run and collide. His warmth seeps through my clothes, to the very marrow of my bones. I am sobbing helpless, clinging to him for fear that he will disappear, leaving me once more with terrible longing.

He murmurs my name and I am complete. He touches my chin, tilting my head up.

Our eyes meet. We kiss.

I have no regrets.


End file.
